“What Just Happened?" Moments in Relationships
With many of the couples I’ve worked with, and in individual sessions when people talk about their relationships, I’ve heard the phrase “I don’t even know what happened.” This is usually in reference to moments of intense emotion that appear to come out of nowhere. But they didn’t actually come out of nowhere, so let’s go over three common sources of these moments and what we can do when they happen. These aren’t the only reasons, but in my experience as a couples therapist they’re the most common.
This post will include a lot of summaries of much larger topics. I use the Gottman Method in couples therapy, so you can learn more about these topics on the Gottman blog, or in one of their books.
In this post I’ll be talking about things you can do for your relationship, but this can’t be one sided. Your partner needs to be doing these things too. You can use some of the skills in this post to talk to them about how you can both work on these issues, but know that it takes two to maintain a healthy relationship.
I’d like to acknowledge that it’s okay to leave a relationship that isn’t working for you. There are also times when you need to leave a relationship; if abuse is present, you need to get out safely. If you think you might be in an abusive relationship, you can find resources at thehotline.org. If you’re not in an abusive relationship, you are still allowed to leave at any time. You don’t have to save it. But this post is for when you want to make it work.
A Distressing Memory or Narrative is Triggered
The first reason for these moments is that an interaction or event has touched on a distressing memory from someone’s past, or a narrative they have about themself (which is also probably due distressing past events). They’re not overreacting, they’re reacting to something others can’t see.
What to Do About It
You’ve probably seen this happen to your partner at some point, and you’ve probably also experienced it yourself and not fully understood it. So what do you do in these moments? The first step is emotional regulation. When we’re emotionally overwhelmed, we’re not good communicators.
There’s a lot that goes into learning emotional regulation and it may be something for you to work on in individual therapy, but there are a couple of simple exercises you can start practicing right away. The first is 4-4-8-4 breathing. Inhale for four counts, hold for four counts, exhale for eight counts, hold for four counts, and repeat. The second is progressive muscle relaxation. Tighten as many muscles as possible in one leg, hold for a few seconds (without holding your breath) then relax with an exhale. Repeat this in the other leg, your abdomen, each arm and hand, and face. There are much more in depth ways to practice progressive muscle relaxation, but this is a simple, quick version to practice any time.
You can practice emotional regulation together or separately. Taking half an hour apart can be helpful when you’re overwhelmed, as long as you are not ruminating on the argument. When taking space from each other, you want to be focusing on something other than the relationship so you can come back more calm, rather than coming back ramped up with new points to argue.
And yes, it feels weird and awkward to say “hold on, I need to do progressive muscle relaxation,” in the middle of an emotional discussion. However, if you and your partner establish emotional regulation as a norm in your relationship, it will start to feel easier.
Once you both feel capable of communicating more clearly, it’s helpful to try to figure out what memory or narrative got triggered. Sometimes people are very aware of what was triggered, but sometimes they feel strong emotions without understanding why. If the person who had the strong emotional reaction understands what happened, take some time to allow them to explain it and ensure they feel fully understood. If they’re not sure, this may be something to explore further in individual counseling, or they may need more space from the event to better understand it.
Negative Sentiment Override
The second reason for these moments is negative sentiment override. Negative sentiment override is essentially when a person sees their partner in a negative light due to built up resentment. They are prone to seeing neutral, or even positive, interactions as negative. For example, one person says, “I’d like to spend more time together, just the two of us,” and rather than hearing it as a desire for more connection, their partner hears it as “You don’t spend enough time with me and I’m angry about it.”
Negative sentiment override is confusing to experience, because one partner can be doing their best to avoid conflict and yet they still upset the other person. This can lead them to develop negative sentiment override as well.
What to Do About It
To overcome negative sentiment override, a couple needs to practice good communication and be able to self-soothe. Good communication is a huge topic, and I won’t be able to get into all of it here, but I’ll go over a few key points.
First, do your best to create an attitude of solving a problem together when in conflict rather than trying to “win” an argument. It’s not about who is right or wrong, it’s about what happened internally for each person and why. These conversations not only help manage conflict, they can also help you develop a deeper understanding of your partner.
Second, understand what a good apology is. An apology requires being able to explain why the other person was upset, acknowledging what you did (even if it wasn’t your intention), and, if possible, what you’ll do differently next time. When you say “I’m sorry,” but your partner doesn’t feel you actually get why they’re upset, it won’t feel genuine to them.
Third, avoid criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. The Gottmans call these the four horsemen, because they have such a strong negative impact on relationships, and they play a huge role in negative sentiment override. Fortunately, each horseman has an antidote you can keep in mind, and these antidotes are generally good skills for improving communication.
Gentle Start Up
The antidote to criticism is gentle start up. This means using I statements instead of blaming statements. The basic formula for an I statement is “When X happens, I feel Y. Can we do Z in the future.” For example, “When the trash is full, I feel frustrated. Can you please empty it if you notice it’s full.” A common mistake I see with I statements is saying, “I feel like you,” followed by an accusation. When you’re saying “I feel,” it needs to be followed by a feeling, not a thought.
You don’t have to follow this formula every time. Another good way to practice gentle start up is to begin with understanding. For example, “I understand that you’ve been busy lately, but could you please empty the trash when it’s full?”
The goal with gentle start up is to approach an issue in a way your partner can actually hear, and make it easier for your partner to avoid defensiveness. A lot of people will respond to this suggestion with something along the lines of “Well, I just tell it like it is.” First, it’s possible to be honest and open while also communicating in a way that makes you more likely to be heard. Second, I would argue that you’re often not telling it like it is, you’re expressing your subjective reality, which is often different than your partner’s. Both realities can be accurate in different ways, and both need to be acknowledged if you want to manage conflict effectively.
Yes, there are times when you’re actually “right” about something. If your partner is not doing any cleaning and you’re picking up their slack, that’s incredibly frustrating. In this case, that needs to be addressed directly rather than allowing it to seep out in blaming statements over time. Remember that we’re trying to solve a problem together, not punish our partners or prove that we’re right.
Culture of Appreciation
The antidote to contempt is building a culture of appreciation. Contempt is the most destructive of the four horsemen. Contempt can show up as sarcasm, sneering, eye-rolling, mockery, and anything else that places yourself above your partner or involves looking down on them with disdain.
Building a culture of appreciation means noticing what your partner does for you and expressing your appreciation to them. Acknowledging and expressing positive feelings helps your partner feel appreciated, and it helps you remember and internalize that your partner is making an effort.
It’s certainly valid to feel that your partner is not meeting your needs, and it’s good to respectfully communicate about what you’d like to be different (key word being respectfully, not through sarcasm or snide comments). However, it’s also important to acknowledge what they are doing. This will also make it easier for them to receive feedback.
Positive interactions in general help make negative interactions go over better. Because you will have negative interactions. However, you shouldn’t be having mostly negative interactions; the Gottmans have found that a ratio of 5:1 works well – five times as many positive interactions as negative. Expressing appreciation helps achieve this.
Taking Responsibility
The antidote to defensiveness is taking responsibility. This is another place where it’s easy to fall into, “but I’m right” thinking. However, it’s not about right and wrong, it’s about understanding each other’s perspectives and respecting them.
For example, you notice the trash is full and you don’t take it out because you took it out last time. At the end of the day, the trash is still full. Your partner comes home and the first thing you say is, “why didn’t you take out the trash?” and they get defensive.
Your frustration is valid, but each of you has things you could take accountability for. First, you didn’t communicate that you wanted your partner to take the trash out. And yes, you shouldn’t have to assign your partner household chores, they’re an adult who is capable of noticing what needs to be done – that’s a different conversation about a larger issue. In general, if you need something from your partner, the best course of action is telling them. So that’s the first thing; you could have used gentle start up to request that your partner take the trash out more instead of building resentment about what they’re not doing.
Second, it’s not ideal to confront someone as soon as they walk in the door, especially with a blaming statement. It’s better to greet them kindly, and a little later you can use an I statement about the trash situation.
On your partner’s side, yes, they probably noticed the trash was full and they didn’t empty it. They can take accountability for this by saying, “you’re right, next time I see the trash is full I’ll take it out as soon as I get the chance.” However, their initial reaction may be defensiveness; “well you didn’t take it out either,” or “gosh, I can’t have one second to take my shoes off” which will probably lead to an argument. In this case, they can also take accountability for the defensiveness by saying something like, “you’re right about the trash, but I was stressed as I was coming home and I felt upset when the first thing you said to me was negative. I’m sorry for getting defensive, and I’d also appreciate it if you could wait a few minutes after I get home to bring up issues.”
This kind of communication is hard, and it feels weird when you’re not used to it. You might be thinking, “no one really talks like that,” but it is actually possible. You don’t have to use these exact words or phrases, but you do want to stick to the general guidelines of “I” instead of “you,” expressing understanding, acknowledging what your partner does well, and acknowledging what you could have done better.
Self-Soothing
The antidote to stonewalling is self-soothing. Stonewalling refers to going quiet and withdrawing during an argument. It’s not the same as taking a few moments to think before speaking; it's when someone disengages. Often when people are stonewalling they will turn away from their partner, not make eye contact, and not respond.
Stonewalling is often the result of being emotionally overwhelmed. So, the antidote to stonewalling is learning to emotionally regulate. You can use the skills I mentioned earlier, or you can take a break to do something distracting. Again, when you take a break from an argument you don’t want to be ruminating. You are focusing on regulation.
It’s also important that you set a time when you are going to come back to the discussion. If you take a break but don’t set a time when you are coming back to talk, that can create anxiety for some people because they don’t have clear expectations, and because they may not trust that the issue will actually be addressed later. It’s also a lot easier to put off a conversation if you haven’t agreed to a specific time, and you might end up never coming back to it, which can contribute to negative sentiment override.
Stress
The third reason for confusing relationship moments is stress. You probably already know this, but it's easy to forget. We are not our best selves when we’re stressed, and stress can make everything negative feel intensified. You’ve probably had moments when you had a huge reaction to a relatively small incident because you were already doing poorly.
What to Do About It
You can’t get rid of stress. Even when we’re doing well, we’ll have stressful moments. So how do we manage stress in relationships? The first tip is to be mindful of your partner’s state when you’re initiating a conversation with them. Sometimes this means waiting until they’re not as stressed to initiate a difficult conversation, but there are also periods where you’re both stressed long-term, and you may not have a good stress-free opportunity for talking.
In these periods, it can be helpful to simply acknowledge the stress. That can look like saying, “hey, I know we’re both stressed right now, but I need to talk to you about X.” You could also add, “is now a good time to talk?” with the caveat that if it isn’t, it can be helpful to set a time when you will talk about it so that the issue doesn’t go unaddressed.
Stress Reducing Conversations
Another tip is stress-reducing conversations. These are basically just talks about your day and what’s going on in your life with your partner. These conversations help reduce stress by giving you both a chance to vent, and they also create positive interactions that help strengthen your relationship. It’s a straightforward concept that you might already be good at, but here are some helpful tips to keep in mind.
In these conversations, both people need time to speak. If you struggle with taking turns in conversations, you can have a designated period of time that is officially your turn. While it's your partner’s turn, make sure you’re keeping the focus on them, and not changing the subject.
You also want to avoid unsolicited advice, and avoid giving any advice until you fully understand your partner’s perspective. If your partner says, “My boss is a jerk,” don’t jump straight to, “You need to tell HR about that.” Start by hearing their story fully (using the rest of the tips I’m about to give), and then you can ask if they’d like your advice.
Showing genuine interest, validating emotions, and communicating understanding goes a long way in these talks. Asking questions, saying things like, “that must be frustrating,” and keeping your full attention on your partner will help them feel listened to, and will help you understand them.
There may be moments when you think your partner is wrong. If they say, “ugh, my boss told me I need to be on time,” you might think, “well, yeah, you’re late a lot,” but that’s not helpful at this moment. You can certainly have a conversation about your partner’s lateness if it's an issue in your relationship, but during a stress-reducing conversation you are having the attitude that you two are a united front. You don’t have to be inauthentic and say, “wow, how dare your boss say that,” but you can say something supportive as well as honest, like “that sucks, I hate getting reprimanded at work.”
Finally, express affection. Let your partner know that you care about them, you’re proud of them, and whatever other affection thoughts you’re experiencing. Getting in this habit is good all around.
Key Takeaways
The main thing I want you to focus on in “what just happened” moments is fostering compassion and curiosity, which can lead to understanding. Remember that you’re a team; you’re trying to solve a problem, not win an argument. This is hard when you’re in the midst of other strong emotions, but I hope some of the tips I’ve given are helpful. These strategies get easier with practice, and they can make significant improvements to your relationship.
