Love Requires Translation
A common sentiment in our culture is that if someone loves you, they will fundamentally understand you. This is an appealing idea, and it’s true that if you’re in a relationship with someone they’ll hopefully get to know you pretty well. Unfortunately, no amount of love enables telepathic connection.
Before you misunderstand me, let me make one thing abundantly clear: I am not a fan of the five love languages model, for a lot of reasons. The basic premise that people express their love differently is correct, but I do not endorse reading that book for relationship advice. I would never want a post of mine to lead to someone taking advice from Gary Chapman.
Anyway, every relationship, no matter how compatible the partners are, will eventually run into moments where affection gets misread, intentions get lost, and care goes unseen. This isn’t a sign that the relationship is failing. It’s unavoidable.
How you communicate, and how you interpret other people’s communication, is shaped by the family you grew up in, the culture that shaped you, your attachment patterns, your neurotype, your identities, past relationships, and many other factors. This applies to expressing your love, but it applies to every other communication you engage in. We all live in different realities.
These differing subjective realities inevitably lead to misunderstandings, which can lead to all kinds of negative stories about ourselves and our relationships. For example, one partner may come home from work visibly upset, hoping their partner will notice and comfort them. Their partner does notice, but because they prefer being left alone when they’re upset, they may assume their partner wants space. The first partner feels unseen and uncared for, and upset that their needs have not been intuited. The second partner thinks they’re doing the right thing, and will be confused and upset when the first partner seems mad at them later.
These kinds of misunderstandings lead to the couple making assumptions about how they are incompatible or unable to communicate, when in reality this is a solvable problem. Partner one could have asked for support, or partner two could have asked what partner one needed rather than assuming.
A lot of people are surprisingly resistant to this; they feel that the heart of romance is knowing your partner well enough that you don’t need to ask questions. However, asking for clarification is not a sign that you and your partner don’t love each other; it’s a necessary aspect of a healthy relationship, and it’s an expression of your love.
So, how do we get better at speaking each other’s languages? Mostly through a lot of communication. If you’re not used to it, it may feel like overcommunication. Notice when you are assuming that your partner knows something about you, or that you know something about your partner, when it has not actually been communicated.
I have a friend who used to always go to the same restaurant with their romantic interest, because she thought it was their favorite restaurant. A few weeks into this, she mentioned that she actually doesn’t like the restaurant that much, and learned that the other person didn’t either – they were only going because they thought she liked it.
I’ve seen this kind of thing happen all the time, both personally and professionally. Usually, it’s not a big deal. However, when it happens with more serious issues, or over a longer period of time, it can be a lot more problematic.
It’s hard to know what you don’t know, so here’s some good questions you and your partner could ask each other:
When do you feel most connected to me?
When do you feel distant from me?
When you’re struggling, how can I support you?
When I’m upset, is there anything you wish I would do differently?
What helps you feel secure when we’re in conflict?
Is there anything you wish you had more help with?
What are some times in our relationship that stand out to you as especially meaningful?
Each of these questions can lead to entire conversations that hopefully deepen your understanding of each other. In addition to these, I often recommend the Gottman card decks, which you can find online or get for free in their carddecks app (I’m not being paid by the Gottmans, I just think their stuff is good).
However, don’t engage in these conversations with the expectation of getting to a point where you can stop communicating. That may sound obvious, but it’s easy to get caught up in the mindset that if you talk enough, and talk deeply enough, you’ll never have another misunderstanding again. Again, misunderstandings will happen; it’s how you handle them that’s important.
So, when translations fail and misunderstandings occur, you need to take time to understand each other’s reality. Each partner needs to express how they felt and their side of the story without blaming or criticizing their partner, and each partner needs to be able to validate and summarize their partner’s point of view. There may be parts of it you don’t agree with, and that’s okay – your goal is to at least get to a point where you understand why they feel how they feel and did what they did, even if you disagree with it.
During these conversations, keep in mind the differences that may be shaping your communication: family history, attachment, culture, identity, neurotype, previous relationships, and traumatic experiences. There’s many more areas that are influencing you, but these are some big ones. Considering if any of these are at play and explaining how they are affecting you to your partner can go a long way.
Communication is hard, especially when a lot of emotion is involved. It’s okay to struggle with it. It is a skill that can be learned and practiced, not an inherent trait. Learning to communicate your love and care for another is worth the hard work. Remember to start with noticing where you are making assumptions and communicate about them, to listen to your partner and make an effort to understand their reality even if you disagree with parts of what they’re saying, and to make an intentional effort to learn what is meaningful to your partner and what helps them feel supported.
